im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
