she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
