I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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