I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
