I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
