You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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