i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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