i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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