I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
