I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
