my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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