it hurts more in the daytime
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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