Dude my mom stole all your condoms
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You are a genius and a whore.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
