worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
