I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
