dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
