Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
