how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
