just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
