Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
