Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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