I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
