I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
