so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
