Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
