A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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