my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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