yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
