Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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