how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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