Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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