The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He passed out mid-signature
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
