Just fell off a train. Bad.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
