i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
