I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
