I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
