Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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