so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
