Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
did i walk over a car last night?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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