So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We need to get me chipped asap
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
