If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
