I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
