oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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