oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
