I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
