my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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