You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
