9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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