I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
