Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
